The United Stables is a constitutional equinocracy founded on a single radical principle: sove-rein-ty rests with the herd. Power is divided across three ranches so that no one animal may take the reins entirely — an arrangement the founders called reins and balances, and which has worked flawlessly except on four occasions, all of them Tuesdays.
“We the Ponies, in order to form a more perfect Corral, establish Justice, insure domestic Stability, provide for the common De-fence, promote the general Pasture, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Yearlings, do ordain and establish this Consti-trot-ion for the United Stables of America.”
Ten a-mane-dments, adopted in a single afternoon because it was raining and nobody wanted to go out.
| No. | Right |
|---|---|
| I | Freedom of speech, assembly, and unrestricted neighing at any hour. |
| II | The right to bear hooves. Four of them. Shall not be infringed, shod, or discussed further. |
| III | No human shall be quartered in any stable without the consent of the horse living in it. |
| IV | Freedom from unreasonable search of the feed bucket. |
| V | No animal shall be compelled to be a witness against himself, or to go back in the trailer. |
| VI | The right to a speedy trial, held at the trot, before a jury of one's pears.* |
| VII | Habeas Horse-pus. Produce the body, and also produce a carrot. |
| VIII | No cruel or unusual punishment. Dressage remains under review. |
| IX | Rights not listed here are retained by the herd, not surrendered to the barn. |
| X | All powers not delegated to the Stables are reserved to the individual paddocks. |
* A drafting error in Amendment VI has never been corrected. Trials are now conducted before twelve pears. The Supreme Corral has ruled the fruit has standing.
Issued at dawn, one sentence long, and read aloud only once: “Henceforth and forever, no animal on this continent shall be ridden by another, and any creature who wishes to go somewhere is warmly invited to walk.” The document is kept in the Neighional Archives. It has a hoofprint on it. Nobody has ever been able to explain whose.
Each citizen is issued one bale. You place it in the pile of the candidate you favour. At close of poll the piles are weighed. It is the only electoral system in history that also feeds everybody.
By statute, all candidates are dark horse candidates. Several are literally dark. The Bureau of Foal Disclosure has declined to clarify which sense is meant.
Conducted at speed, margin of error ±4 lengths. Last reading: 98% approval for the Reining Administration, 2% undecided, 0% opposed. The 2% were asleep. They are always asleep.
The Fillybuster. Any senator may hold the floor indefinitely by simply refusing to move. Horses are constitutionally excellent at this. The record — 41 hours — was set by a mare who was not filibustering. She had just decided not to.
The Vet-o. The First Stallion may strike down any bill by declining to be examined. Overriding a vet-o requires a two-thirds majority and a willing volunteer.
Im-peach-ment. Proceedings open with the formal presentation of a peach. If the accused eats it, the matter is closed. The accused always eats it. Reform is not being considered.
The Cabinet convenes in the Tack Room every morning and adjourns the instant anybody, anywhere in the building, opens a bag. Sessions average four minutes.
Chief of Stable — runs the building, the schedule, and the gate.
Press Secretariat — fastest spokes-horse in recorded history. Has never taken a follow-up question because she is already gone.
Ambassa-dor to the United Neighions — currently in The Hay-g.
Surgeon General — recommends eight hours of standing sleep and one (1) apple.
| Indicator | Reading | Note |
|---|---|---|
| Gross Domestic Pasture | +4.0% | Grew. It is grass. This is what it does. |
| Oat-flation | 2.1% | Within target. The Feed is not raising rates. |
| The Neigh (currency) | Strong | Backed by the full faith and hoofprint of the Stables. |
| Bit-coin | Volatile | Literally a bit. You put it in the mouth. We warned them. |
| Livestock Exchange | Mare market | Up. The bears and bulls have been asked to leave. |
| Annual Tacks | Due in spring | Saddles, bridles, blankets. Collected by the IRS. Never returned. |
| Stimulus package | Issued | One (1) sugar cube per citizen. Wildly popular. Economically meaningless. |
| Sanctions regime | Active | Technically stanchions. A drafting error nobody wants to raise. |
| Em-barn-go on cats | In force | Since the Hay-g. Has had no measurable effect on cats. |
The founding fiscal principle of the Stables remains no tacksation without represen-neigh-tion. Humans are tacksed and are not represented. The Bureau of Foal Disclosure notes this tension and considers the matter ×.
“A government of the horse, by the horse, for the horse,
shall not perish from the pasture.” — Inscription, the Pentagallop